When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.