Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
This cat wants you to take your pills
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.