@jessokfine

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

@jessokfine

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

@jessokfine

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

@jessokfine

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

@jessokfine

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@jessokfine

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

@jessokfine

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.