me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You Might Also Like
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
This is me 🤣🤣
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Storm Tropical Storm
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…