@jewfacekilla

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

@jewfacekilla

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

@jewfacekilla

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

@jewfacekilla

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

@jewfacekilla

MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.

@jewfacekilla

In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.