I bet
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Oceanography is all about current events
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.