I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.