I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.