Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My five year plan is a meteorite
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.