@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*

@jimmy_sharpe

I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.

@jimmy_sharpe

I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’

@jimmy_sharpe

Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.