Taking vocabulary to a whole new thingy
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*
For lunch today I ate three lunches.
Jealous of how pineapples always have cool hair.
I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.
I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.
Poodles are just angry clouds with legs.
Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’
Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.