I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.