Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.