Funny Tweeter

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Page of jjhartinger's best tweets

@jjhartinger : [First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@jjhartinger: hubs: why the makeup?
me: we're cooking dinner together.
him: and...
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@jjhartinger: If you're worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we're surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@jjhartinger: War & Peace wasn't written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@jjhartinger: If I ever die in my sleep it won't be in my bed. It'll be in a meeting.

@jjhartinger: Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

@jjhartinger: [second date]

"April Fools"

*gets up and leaves

@jjhartinger: [Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.