[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.