I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.