I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.