The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.