Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.