*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me driving through Toronto
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals