*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.