Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
where’s Godzilla when we need him
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years