*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.