@joci2203

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

@joci2203

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

@joci2203

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

@joci2203

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.