me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.