How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to