When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself