I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Me: Can I try it out first?
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.