@joeljeffrey

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

@joeljeffrey

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

@joeljeffrey

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

@joeljeffrey

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

@joeljeffrey

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

@joeljeffrey

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@joeljeffrey

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.