I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn