They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.