Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails