My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs