My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
pictures of spider-man
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Whoa 😂
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.