I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.