Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.