It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.