Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science