Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.