Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.