Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If only
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals