Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
just witnessed a drug deal
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?