did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
