My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!