king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
So, can we agree on 4 or
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
😆this is so true
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?