The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.