wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol