Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.