Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.