One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.