My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
i’m still crying at this
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.