Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real