Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.