You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me 2 months after i graduated
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me trying to look natural in photos
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*