my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”