If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.